I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
