too bad you live with your parents still
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
