um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
