I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize