Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
