WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
