Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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