I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
