I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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