Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
