Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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