I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize