I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
please don't ironically join a cult
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