theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
