Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
In America we eat man semen.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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