Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
honey bunches of taint.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
