I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
