You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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