I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
