I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
