i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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