i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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