theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
