dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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