im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize