I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
