No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
