Only a mothe r could love this liver
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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