I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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