Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
