if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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