i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Randomize
