just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
