Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
