dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize