yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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