Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
