Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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