i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
