So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
