her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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