She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
