I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
