just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
