i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Terrible idea I love it
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
