I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
