what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Sorry my hands just texted you
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
