i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
