Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
