period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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