Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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