the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
