last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
