well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
