Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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