Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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