he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
COCAINE IS GR8
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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