I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
