I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
