I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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