You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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