I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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