sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
