I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
